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Schumi's Sekret Diary: Germany

Sunday 23rd July 2006

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Michael Schumacher gives us his latest thoughts about 2007, how much he'll miss Juan-Pablo Montoya, NASCAR fans and the problems with Honda.

Hello my large and occasionally moustache-wearing tifosis. Let me say this one thing exclusively to you with a heavy wink. You will find out soon, and you will be pleased.

It is not for nothing that I am mentioning to Gazetta dello Sport how good a team-mate I think Felipe Massa - he is young, and quick, and not Finnish. He does not open his trousers in lap-dancing clubs or drink two bottles of vodka in the motorhome when he has a bad race.

In fact my forthcoming announcement might be the third good event of a double whammy. First off, we have the news that Juan-Pablo Monster is leaving to become a NASCAR driver. This is a bit like saying you are a champion jockey and you are leaving the sport to run a pony-trekking school. I do not see the attraction of NASCAR

Big, lumbering, heavy, unattractive and always lots of accidents - and that's just Juan-Pablo. So maybe he is perfect for NASCAR. I understand the oldest driver is 73 and that you do not need to do any exercise at all in between races. I believe the average IQ of a NASCAR fan is only marginally above the things that hit the windscreen during the race.

It would have been fun to have seen David Coulthard and Juan-Pablo together in the Red Bull team in 2007 - David is having the same love for Juan as he is having for Eddie Irvine.

As you can see from the World Championship tables and the last two races, the Ferrari team has bounced back with avengers. This is thanks to a superb team, a superb tyre from our Bridgestone friends and a superb team-mate for Fernando. While Felipe Massa is following me closely, "Fisicho" is battling it out with the Red Bulls and keeping well out of the way.

Let me tell you, what makes the 2007 most exciting for me is that Giancarlo Fisichella will be staying at Renault and occupying a top seat - this is great news for Scuderia Ferrari, even if gurgle-boy does move there.

Before when I am giving you my insights there was very little hope, but with my adoring German tifosis sounding their air horns and lighting the red flares at Hockenheim, I feel my surge growing stronger.

Recently you will have read that Max Mosley has been trying to set up a scheme to make F1 more "green". This is a little bit like saying "well, we ought to make the sea a little bit less salty."

However it is only right that we try. I have thought up three good ideas that I am going to let Felipe suggest.

1.To save fuel on expensive private jets

Only drivers with three or more World Championships will be allowed to bring their private jets to races.

2.To save fuel travelling to distant test tracks

Teams must all test their race cars within two kilometres of their factories.

3. To save fuel wasted in qualifying

There will no longer be a qualifying session - the oldest driver will be first on the grid and the youngest driver will be last. This scheme will obviously have to be varied for fairness sake. At alternate races, it will be the oldest team in F1 who take the front row, followed by the second oldest etc and with Super Aguri last.

Finally you will have probably been hearing the rumours about trouble within the Honda team which is spilt right down the middle with all kinds of inside fighting. Apparently half the people at Honda think that Jenson Button is rubbish, while the other half think he's not even that good.

Only joking, Jenson, it's probably 25/75.

Let us see what happens at the Hockenheim, Forza The Schum - to infinity and a blonde.

The Schum

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