More unreliable stories you won't be reading elsewhere - for a very good reason.
Nico Gets Mystery Gift Every Day
Nico Hulkenberg is puzzled by a mystery benefactor who keeps sending him gifts. The Sauber driver, who has been linked with many of the remaining available 2014 drives, keeps getting boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts delivered to his apartment. "Every day I come out of my flat and there is another box of 12 on the doorstep," said Nico, "It's very tempting, but I know I can't touch them." At 74kg Hulkenberg is already the heaviest driver on the grid and next year the weight of drivers will be more important than ever.
A spokesman for the local Krispy Kreme franchise refused to reveal the identity of the sender only that he was an Italian gentleman with a strange Scottish accent.
Pastor Gets The Hump
Pastor Maldonado has been venting his increased frustration at not being able to compete at the front of the grid in 2013 amid signs that he may be switching teams next year or even taking a break from the sport. He has also been railing against his Williams FW35 and the lack of performance from the team. "I need to look forward to having a better car next year," he told reporters. "I have shown that every time I had a good car I've been fighting for victories and championships. It's very disappointing to see myself struggling to get into Q2. I'm living a really bad moment."
However one pitlane insider told this column, "It's pointless giving Maldonado a fast car because with one exception, all he ever does is crash into people with it. Having a fast car last year made him over-confident, take stupid risks and gave the team immense repair bills. It's a really good thing for him to have a slow car in 2013 because next time he gets a fast one he'll do something a bit more constructive with it and not try and pass Lewis Hamilton off the circuit then drive into the side of him, or deliberately drive into Perez at Monaco. The initials on the back of his car are PDVSA, but there are many in the paddock who think you should do something with the letters: TTWA instead."
Improving The Vettel Brand
In the wake of Sebastian Vettel being booed on the podium at many grands prix this year, the Red Bull team are looking at ways of making him more popular with the fans. Already there have been glimpses of this tactic with his engineer Rocky asking him not to wave his index finger at the camera after qualifying.
Red Bull have now brought in a brand consultant and their initial report states that giving the fans the finger is not a recipe for success. They contrast this with Lewis Hamilton's frequent kissing of the camera and showing love, and Fernando Alonso's great national pride and imitating a bull whilst standing on his car.
They have come up with a number of alternative celebrations for Vettel:
Double thumbs up - both charming and positive, emphasizing a degree of hope and thanks rather than overburdening supremacy.
Two hands in the air - as if scoring a goal in football, plain and simple, the kind of thing Kimi might do.
Power fist interchanged with a thumbs up - a split message indicating victory, but with the thanks and humility of a thumbs-up.
Power fist interchanged with a thumbs-up, plus a two-fingered salute - the same as above, but this time round to suggest peace and love and indicate good karma.
Power fist interchanged with a thumbs-up, plus a two-fingered salute and finally the Vettel forefinger - this is a complex fourfold celebration that Sebastian could trademark.
Not advised: The Mo Farah celebration (just crap), The Usain Bolt celebration (only he can pull it off), Kissing the badge (football - disingenuous, footballers do it all season long then slap in a transfer request).
The brand advisors' invoice for £45,000 is in the post.
Korean GP Fire Unit News
Good and bad news for the the driver of the Fire Response Vehicle at the Korean Grand Prix. When Charlie Whiting mobilized the 4x4 vehicle in response to the fire on Mark Webber's RBR9 he thought it would be driving to the fire along the parallel service road and not lead the F1 cars down the main straight. As a result, the unnamed driver has been removed from his post with immediate effect. But the good news is that he'll be starring in the latest SpecSavers advert.