Because in F1 the first person you have to beat is your team-mate...
Red Bull Racing
Season: Sebastian Vettel 9 - Mark Webber 4
Neither Red Bull had a storming race, but that was true of all the Renault-engined cars - Lotus and Williams were further back than they had been of late, with Maldonado further back in the car park and Grosjean back in Enstone. Vettel made the most of the equioment he had but looked powerless to resist Alonso for long. Most F1 drivers are funny when they're angry but with an airy little wander of his RB8 through Curva Grande, Sebastian managed to turn Fernando into Maria Callas. A right old diva. After the race when the drivers are sauntering between interviews in 'the pen' and affect an air of "I wasn't really bothered" do they not realise we've heard them screaming into race radio?
Vettel took his retirement with a certain sangfroid, but the increasingly cadaverous-looking Mark Webber is beginning to be a worry. He looks constantly resigned to not getting a good outcome - an attitude he's backed up with results. Singapore is just what both drivers need.
Season: Jenson Button 4 - Lewis Hamilton 9
Lewis Hamilton was in control at Monza. It may well be that Button's fuel pick-up problem was brought on by barrelling his MP4-27 just a little too excessively over the punishing Monza kerbs. They might also have been responsible for doing in Fernando's anti-roll bar (rarely a victim of fatigue) on Saturday. Lewis steered clear of all this and finished the race with time in hand, plus life in his tyres. His win made for an awkward post-race scenario with him having to give out the traditional love to his team - oh and by the way I might be buggaring off to Mercedes.
Season: Michael Schumacher 7 - Nico Rosberg 6
With Mercedes going their own way on strategy - and all the top teams not copying them - you began to think that this was another one of those afternoons where Ross Brawn's team goes from bad to worse. Except it all came right and Schumi and Nico came roaring back through the field on their new tyres with a vengeance. Most significantly, Michael has now taken the TMW lead over Nico, which is a first in his three-year return. What a way to do it - in front of his beloved former tifosis. And what's more he looked good for it, pushing pushing pushing through Saturday qualifying, a slide here, a wheel off the edge at the Lesmos and qualifying in P4. Even if the rumours are contrary, he's not driving like a man contemplating retirement.
Season: Fernando Alonso 13 - Felipe Massa 0
Alonso beat Massa. We knew that Fernando would find a way past Felipe the minute he got behind the Brazilian, what was interesting was the language Rob Smedley used to prepare his man for the moment when (continuing the opera analogy) the fat lady was going to sing. They should maybe think about entertaining the worldwide TV audience by using different phrases other than "Felipe, think about how you're going to manage your tyres". How about "Felipe, check out Fernando's great new rear wing paint job."
Season: Kimi Raikkonen 10 - Romain Grosjean 3
A relatively low-key race for Kimi who was never going to be challenged by Jerome D'Ambrosio, whose biggest challenge, apart from the heavily telegraphed custard jokes from the Sky team, was staying reasonably near the Finn. It was his bad luck that this was one of the few races of 2012 where the Lotus wasn't a genuine podium contender.
Season: Paul DiResta 7 - Nico Hulkenberg 6
Having deserted him in Belgium, the squirming cliché of Lady Luck evened up the score in Italy, blighting Nico Hulkenberg's qualifying, and leaving the field free for Paul to impress. Which he duly did. Despite the gearbox penalty Paul kept his car in the Top Ten and his name at the top of the possible Schumi replacement list
Season: Kamui Kobayashi 4 - Sergio Perez 9
Yet again Kobayashi was convincingly ahead of Perez on Saturday, but it was Checo who had the almost-winning strategy on Sunday. Luca Montezemolo says he's not ready for a Ferrari drive...? Smoke and mirrors - the last thing he needs is a demotivated Massa.
Season: Maldonado 4 - Senna 9
With Pastor enjoying "10 places of penalty" for the Italian GP Bruno was left on his own to get mugged by every passing driver who came his way. He had incidents with Nico Rosberg, Paul Di Resta and Mark Webber and it was a case of Bruno being more sinned against than sinning. But still he managed to bring his car home in the points.
Season: Daniel Ricciardo 7 - Jean-Eric Vergne 6
Daniel Ricciardo was already in front of the man they have shortened to "Jev" on Toro Rosso team radio when Jean-Eric's car had its R.Kelly moment at the first chicane. Backs take a long time to heal and it wouldn't be a surprise if Vergne had to miss the bumps of Singapore.
Season: Vitaly Petrov 6 - Heikki Kovalainen 7
Heikki and Vitaly were evenly matched at Monza and finished together, with the little hobbit taking the TMW points.
Season: Timo Glock 7- Charles Pic 6
Those two happy-go-lucky Czech puppets Pic and Glock swapped it all around at Monza. In Belgium it had been Glock, then Pic. In Italy it was Pic then Glock. Poor old Glock was in for a long afternoon the moment he lost his silly front wing going through Turn 1. 'Never mind', thought Glock, 'it'll be my turn to pick up another meaningless 16th place.'
Race: De la Rosa
Season: Narain Karthikeyan 2 - Pedro de la Rosa 10
There was an earth-shattering moment on Saturday when Narain outqualified an F1 team-mate for the first time since 2005. Blimey, thought the entire grid, that's a long time to wait, even David Coulthard has bought a round of drinks since then.
Star of the Race
Alonso 2, Hamilton 2, Button 2, Perez 2, Rosberg 1, Raikkonen 1, Maldonado 1, Webber 1, Grosjean 1
Overtaking Move of the Race
Raikkonen 3, Grosjean 2, Button 2, DiResta 1, Hamilton 1, Rosberg 1, Webber 1, Senna 1, DNQ 1
Dull vs Exciting GPs
Exciting 11 - Dull 2
The Jaime Alguersuari School of Understatement
James Allen: "And we're hearing that Felipe Massa has no telemetry from his car."
Jaime: "That doesn't sound very good, to be honest."
The Jaime Alguersuari School of Simile and Metaphor
Q: What's Jaime's way of saying, 'I really really don't know what the problem is'?
A: "I don't know what the problem is - in concrete."