We all know that the commercial rights to F1 have been sold recently. They've been sold by the Bernie-steered venture capitalist, CVC Greedy bastards Inc*, to a Bernie-advised American media company, Liberty Media. But what if other people ran F1 – what would it be like…?
If Lewis Hamilton ran F1 – then it would almost certainly feel “blessed”.
If Nico Rosberg ran F1 – he'd feel that, deep down, everyone really wanted Lewis to run F1.
If Eddie Jordan ran F1 – … is the recurring nightmare of Ron Dennis.
If Ron Dennis ran F1 – it would be optimised. And Grey.
If Beyonce ran F1 – there would be no straights.
If Pirelli ran F1 – one set of tyres would have to last a season.
If American televised sport ran F1 – races would be split into four quarters, and there would be a Safety Car ‘time out’ for an advertising break, triggered by Coach Whiting.
If Boris Johnson ran F1 – there would be races at Silverstone, Brands Hatch, Donington, Cadwell Park, Goodwood and Aintree. Everyone in the paddock would have to smoke a pipe and wear tweed jackets and flat caps, the way it was in the 1950s when Britain was important – oh hang on, that's the Goodwood Revival Meeting.
If the EU ran F1 – the Grand Prix calendar for 2017 would be agreed by 2024 and implemented by 2029.
If Donald Trump ran F1 – there would be four less races. (Count them)
If Bear Grylls ran F1 – the catering in the paddock hospitality units would serve nuts, berries and insects, washed down with mountain rainwater.
If Formula E ran F1 – everyone would have seven cars. (except Sergio Perez at Force India who would try and make six cars last the distance).
If Kimi Raikkonen ran F1 – the post-race conference would be changed to a post-race instagram.
If Jose Mourinho ran the sport – it would be The Special F1.
If Vladimir Putin ran F1 – Daniil Kvyat would be driving for Red Bull next year, Sergey Sirotkin would be driving for Mercedes and Vitaly Petrov would be running Ferrari. Or as it would be rebranded Ferrarski. And there would be a nice, icy gulag awaiting Helmut Marko.
If Bernd Maylander ran F1 – the Safety Car would be a Bugatti Veyron.
If Bernie's mother-in-law ran F1 – she'd still do a better job.
* technically not their actual name